ifriend- the new Apple "Friend Bar" (parody)

Apple announced a spin off of their popular genius bar, entitled  "friend bar" for a one time fee
 people will be able to go into to  a Apple story and discuss Macs, iphones and ipods with paid, caring, Apple employees.
 poor, lonely customers who find sense of entitlement in their $1,000+ imacs will be able  to purchase one of three "lifetime ifriend subscriptions"  the isubscriptions are as follows:



ishallow - this is the most basic plan, for $35 users can brag about pretty much any thingto Apple employees in  sessions limited to under a hour, and can visit stores up to twice a day.

ifriendless:  this is the intermediate plan, for those who have no real life, maintain a blog and write Apple parodys at 10pm. this  plan cost $99  and entitles users to visit the friend bar five times a day, with seven hour sessions. this plan also provides users with a serial number, which will be tattooed apon their arm. they may call a toll-free hotline, open 24/7 to discuss Apple products, once again, in limit of 5 times per day in 7 hours a call.  ifriendless subscribes can also discuss the failure of ios4 to include a smart lock screen, the failure to sleep on network connection and most of all, the general buginess of multitasking.
"this plan really is great." said a ifriendless subscriber who wishes to remain anonymous. "this way, I can yell at a clerk about a corporate decision he had nothing to do with."

imakeSteverich - this is the most advanced plan, users get all perks of the above to plans, plus unlimited, un-timed visits to the Friend Bar and unlimited calls to the friend bar hotline. in addition users get a free Apple sticker. this plan is a mere $999.98. subscribers to this plan will also get a spot in line at a AT&T store of their choosing, which they may camp at up to three years before the release of iphone 5.

                            When asked about the future of the service, Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak stated "next year we plan on introducing ifriend 2nd gen, then ifriend 3rd gen and finaly 3gs all with in the next month. with 3gs employees will respond up to point ten seconds quicker!"

Apple on-again-off-again CEO Steve Jobs was tracked down to his under water mansion made entirely of glass and asked to comment on the product. his only reply was "My heart is as black as my turtle neck!"