Prophet Anonymous warns of the cheese puffs.

Note: In case you haven't read any of my other Prophet Anonymous posts, then entire series of post is a big poke at Pentecostals. __________________________________________________________________________________

Greetings from 2,000 feet below Olympia, it is I, Prophet Anonymous!

Now you may be wondering what I am doing 2,000 feet below Olympia, but I say unto you that it is nothing to worry your devoted little heads about, because though, for the time being, I will not be able to receive checks or money orders, you may still donate money via my Paypal account, and I will still give you a symbolic receipt so that you may cash them in at death....where was I?

Oh yes.

I'm hiding out 2,000 feet below Olympia because cheese puffs are assembling an army of other snack foods to enslave humanity.

Don't panic. 

Settle down.

Let me tell you why this is happening and how you can stop it

I'm on to you.

First I'll answer What are probably your biggest questions about why and how this is happening:

Q: How did the snack foods come to life?

A: The power of evil messages hidden in Led Zeppelin and Beatles songs, probably. 

Q: Who put the hidden messages in the songs?
A: The evil Calvinist.

Q: Why are the snack foods plotting to enslave humanity?

A: Because you didn't donate enough money to my nonsensical "prophecy ministry"  and this angers them.

Q: What snack foods are in on this?

A:  Every brand of potato chips and cheese puffs, Twinkies, Ho-Ho's, Zingers, pretzel sticks, all sugar free chewing gums, skittles, peanut butter crackers, and worst of all, Caramel popcorn.

Q: When will the snack foods attack?

A: On October the 20th. I've discussed it with other well known lunatics Pentecostals, and they agree.

Yes, it will be an awful thing for humanity to endure, But I, always the hero, have a solution! every man, woman and child on the Earth must follow these three simple steps, and the world will be saved:

1. Donate 1,000 dollars a week, from now until October the 20th to prophet Anonymous (that's me.)
2. Pledge (right now) to give 50 additional dollars to me every day.
3. And finally, as a precaution, destroy all of the snack foods in your house and in your home town grocery store. don't let the store employees stop you, they're in league with the snacks. 

So as you see, the impending snack food apocalypse is entirely avoidible, but only if you act now.

Don't say I didn't tell you so,

Prophet Anonymous.