Your New Horoscope for Today

Aries: Good fortunes will come to you today.

Taurus: Misery will haunt your wretched life for the rest of your pitiful existence.

Gemini: A plane will fall out of the sky and land exactly three feet from your house.

Cancer: You'll become deaf, dumb & blind, from three AM until five minutes before you die.

Leo: I see a move to Austria-Hungary in your future.

Virgo: The stars predict that you want university go to? I sign you up for scam grant? jaja? you give social security number? jaja?

Libra: You'll order a large, one topping pick up special.

Sagittarius: You'll write the next War and Peace, in one setting.

Capricorn: You'll buy me lunch.

Aquarius: I see a bottles of cheap wine and a lot of cats in your future.

Pisces: You'll Wikipedia the name "Olmec"