Prophet Anonymous' prophesies for 2012 Part one

Yes, I know I said that I would cease writing as Prophet Anonymous, but it's fun and I'm incredulous.
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The modern day prophet and apostle, Prophet Anonymous has asked me to write down his prophecies for the year of 2012, Anno Domini, which were revealed to him over the course of yesterday evening, when he fell and hit his head on his dinning room table (which is when he receives all of his divine revelations.)

• On January the 1st all of creation will cease to exist for 0.0000001th of a second, and then reconstitute itself just as it was in before in only 0.0000000001th of a second.

• French will become the official language of Les Etats Unis d'Amerique after Nicolas Sarkozy is elected president of The United States.
• There will be an overcast in all of the world for exactly 59 hours, for the last 13 hours gold balls and laundry detergent will fall from the clouds like rain, beginning on the 3rd of June.
• MP3 players will rise up and enslave humanity on the 26th of September.
• Cassette tapes will free humanity from it's portable oppressors on the 21st of November.
• Inspired by the MP3 player uprising, computer keyboard will begin biting the fingers of all who use them.
• The Great Fire Wall of China will fall, Giving the citizens of China the ability and freedom to access YouTube videos of some guy's cat.
• Prophet Anonymous will change his title to "Great fantasticsuperhappyfun Prophet Anonymous."
• jhjrigrgifgifdighfufghfrghgferffrvr. 
• In 2012 human beings will evolve the ability to read and understand gibbersh, such as is presented in the above prophecy, which has been written in gibberish because of it's terribleness and dire importance, the likes of which humanity is not yet able to cope with. human beings will evolve this ability from generations of illiteracy.

                    Prophet Anonymous would like me to present the following prophecies in contemporary English, (AKA, "texting/Facebook user language") so that all may read them easily:

• da whol earth gunna git real clos like ta esploden sa da worl almos ends n all dat buh den dey gunna come what dos martiuns n save us n all. 
• everyone gunna red des pos whah prophet uhnonymus done rought n dey guna publish em inuh book liek da uns dey gut in da plaec where we go un use da computas for dat der facebook.
• 1 time der gunna be like dis big ecomanomic cryses n not even bubba glen bek gunna be able whah ta save uz caus all da currensys gonna sink ta nothin an all da monney gonna be worflus un all dat..LIKE LOL!

Read the continued prophecies HERE

Dictated but not written,

Prophet Anonymous.