Taurus - You will fall and break your hip the next time you attempt to leave your house.
Gemini - You will attend in AA meeting...please? we're only doing this to help you.
Cancer - All your friends are talking about you behind your back, and so am I.
Leo - You will brush your teeth today. I hope.
Virgo - Your plans for happiness will be ruined by a 12 foot tall Mongolian woman wielding a hamster.
Libra -You're asking yourself "Should I try new things?" and "should I seize the day?" well the answer is no, no you shouldn't.
Scorpio - You'll order the number one.
Sagittarius - You will be visited by the ghost of Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Capricorn - You will grow up and stop believing in horoscopes.
Aquarius - You will rob the house of a Pisces
Pisces - You will leave all of your doors and windows unlocked.
