Prophet Anonymous runs for president

Prophet Anonymous has decided to run for president, and has asked me, his newly appointed press secretary to compile a FAQ and list his political positions.

                                                                     FAQ

Q: Under which party is prophet anonymous running?

A: As Prophet Anonymous is too evil to be a Democrat, and not evil enough to be a Republican, he is running under a new party: the Silly Fictitious Party.

Q: Why did Prophet Anonymous decide to run for president?

A: Prophet Anonymous desires to be the supreme overlord of the formerly free world.

Q: Are these questions submitted by real people?

A: ahahaha. No.

Q: How can I assist Prophet Anonymous in his quest to become overlord of the formerly free world?

A: By sending money orders (no checks, please!)  to   Old Pink, care of the Funny Farm, Chalfont, Buckinghamshire, England.

Q: Why didn't Prophet Anonymous foresee his entry into the race when he gave his prophecies for the year of 2012?

A: A very good question. The answer is...well...It's all your fault for asking such a question. When was the last time you foretold the future? oh yeah, never.

Q: Can I win fabulous Prophet Anonymous '12 prizes?

A: No, no you cannot.

Q: Did you ask these questions yourself?

A: I don't have to stand here and listen to these wild accusations.

Q: Is motor oil a question?

A: I'm not even going to acknowledge that.

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Policies:

• The abolition of human non-slavery, for humans of every race.
• Financial aid to silly nations.
• A budget that focuses mainly on buying sharks and relocating them to Lake Erie.
•  A special tax on people who eat guacamole.
• A prohibition on owning, distributing, manufacturing or intending to distribute Nickelback records.
• An end to the war on drugs, and the beginning of the war on absolutely everything else.
• The creation of a New Mexico.
• Hunting down Greg, from house wares.
• Healthcare reform, which will allow all oranges free, quality, government provided healthcare.
• Abolishing Medicare and Medicaid, to pay for the above program. 
• Declaring English with a Minnesota accent to be the official languages of the United States.
• Seizing plots of land from the serious and giving them to the very silly. 
• Putting handsome, silly bloggers on a government pay roll.
• Changing the name of the country from "The United States of America" to "Prophet Anonymoustania."
• Relocating the city of Indianapolis to the Southern Pacific. 
• Realizing a brave new world.
• Correction: a brave new, strawberry scented world.
• Outlawing socks.
• Arresting anyone whose name begins with the letters A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,P,Q,R,S,T,UV,W,X,Y or Z.
• Abolishing all non-silly fictitious political parties.  
• Making "Dancing in the Streets" the national anthem.
• Requiring all citizens to end every sentence with the words "Ja, in Bavaria, und nicht in Venezuela!"

Silly-ly yours,
Brandon Montgomery. Ja, in Bavaria, und nicht in Venezuela! 

Prophet Anonymous Gets a record contract

Read the Updated post, with album art, HERE
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FROM THE DESK OF PROPHET ANONYMOUS: Prophet Anonymous, the "World Wide Widow Fleecing Machine" has signed a record deal with Leffen Records - The (former) home of Suns and Moses, Mirvana, and many other Rock bands with slightly altered names.
According to the contract, three records shall be made, and after the three records are made the contract may be renewed, according to sales figures (so buy the albums, at your nearest Charismatic bookstore!)
Thanks to the Prophets amazing work ethic, he has already recording two of the three records.
One is a music record, titled "Prophet Anonymous Under Cover"  It is a cover album, including:
 "You Never Give Me Your Money," "Money" and more! (Track list and cover art to be revealed.)

"I'm moving in on the Youth Groups!"

The other is a ground breaking, genre creating record, entitled "Prophet Anonymous - Live!" It is the world's first stand up prophecy record. BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE! not only is it a Stand Up Prophecy album - it's also a Double album! disc one is prophecy and disc two is music. what kind of music? Pentecostal Rock, of course! it's two albums for the price of four!  It's the kind of new, bold, fresh, avant garde prophecies the TBN crowed has been dying for! the track list is as follows:
                   Disc One (Prophecy)

1. It's The End of the World as Everyone Knows it
2. The War Between Israel and Russia - for some reason
3. Stock Market Crash Fever
4. Let's all declare War on an Obscure Country
5. Alien Invasion 
6. Write that Check!

           Disc Two (songs)

1. I Blame Obama
2. Tongues
3. Complaining on Facebook
4. Back in My Day
5. My Hero (Charles Finney)
6. Be mine, Ann Gram Lotz

More details in the days to come.

Available on March the 16th, wherever Reliant K is sold. 

Prophet Anonymous endorses a 2012 presidential candidate.

Добрый вечер, It is I, Prophet Anonymous, and I am here to tell you which 2012 Presidential candidate I endorse.

Now, I know that I've already predicted that French President Nicolas Sarkozy will win the election, and I stand by that. However, I'm still going to give my endorsement, after the jump.

Prophet Anonymous' prophesies for 2012 Part two

Without any ado, I present to you the further prophecies of Prophet Anonymous:

• Michele Bachmann will stage a coup after Nicolas Sarkozy is elected president. 
• President Bachmann will ban a series of a books which she deems "dangerous," including "Curious George rides a bike,"  "Horton Hears a Who," and the most sinister of all, "Clifford the big red dog."
• Due to a terrible mistake, all jugs of milk shipped to stores nationwide on the date of January the 22nd, will actually be half-and-half, rather than milk.
• President Bachmannn will legally change every one's name to "Nikolai Bachmann," on December the 17th.
• Your local K-mart will close.
• I will finally win the Nobel Prize in Prophecy.
• Golf balls will contract the common cold.
• President Bachmann will change her name to "Mishka Bachmannnnnnnn"
• I will stop picking on Mishka Bachmannnnnnnn in 2012.
• Prophet Anonymous will finally be given his own TBN show. it will be called "Superhappyfun prophecy hour!!!"
• Someone, somewhere will smoke a cigarette. 
• Someone, somewhere will make a racist comment.
• Someone, somewhere...bah, I've lost my train of thought.

That isn't the image I wanted for this post.
That isn't the image I wanted at all!

• Blogger's will quit throwing in the towel.
• Prophet Anonymous will finally be recognized as the genius he is.
• Campbell's soup will change their slogan to "Mmm mmm Mediocre/" 

Well, happy New Year! I'm not entirely satisfied with this post, so to make it up to you I'll upload a new, never before seen photo of prophet Anonymous, unmasked!

Oh for crying out loud....

I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you,

Brandon Montgomery

Prophet Anonymous' prophesies for 2012 Part one

Yes, I know I said that I would cease writing as Prophet Anonymous, but it's fun and I'm incredulous.
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The modern day prophet and apostle, Prophet Anonymous has asked me to write down his prophecies for the year of 2012, Anno Domini, which were revealed to him over the course of yesterday evening, when he fell and hit his head on his dinning room table (which is when he receives all of his divine revelations.)

• On January the 1st all of creation will cease to exist for 0.0000001th of a second, and then reconstitute itself just as it was in before in only 0.0000000001th of a second.

• French will become the official language of Les Etats Unis d'Amerique after Nicolas Sarkozy is elected president of The United States.
• There will be an overcast in all of the world for exactly 59 hours, for the last 13 hours gold balls and laundry detergent will fall from the clouds like rain, beginning on the 3rd of June.
• MP3 players will rise up and enslave humanity on the 26th of September.
• Cassette tapes will free humanity from it's portable oppressors on the 21st of November.
• Inspired by the MP3 player uprising, computer keyboard will begin biting the fingers of all who use them.
• The Great Fire Wall of China will fall, Giving the citizens of China the ability and freedom to access YouTube videos of some guy's cat.
• Prophet Anonymous will change his title to "Great fantasticsuperhappyfun Prophet Anonymous."
• jhjrigrgifgifdighfufghfrghgferffrvr. 
• In 2012 human beings will evolve the ability to read and understand gibbersh, such as is presented in the above prophecy, which has been written in gibberish because of it's terribleness and dire importance, the likes of which humanity is not yet able to cope with. human beings will evolve this ability from generations of illiteracy.

                    Prophet Anonymous would like me to present the following prophecies in contemporary English, (AKA, "texting/Facebook user language") so that all may read them easily:

• da whol earth gunna git real clos like ta esploden sa da worl almos ends n all dat buh den dey gunna come what dos martiuns n save us n all. 
• everyone gunna red des pos whah prophet uhnonymus done rought n dey guna publish em inuh book liek da uns dey gut in da plaec where we go un use da computas for dat der facebook.
• 1 time der gunna be like dis big ecomanomic cryses n not even bubba glen bek gunna be able whah ta save uz caus all da currensys gonna sink ta nothin an all da monney gonna be worflus un all dat..LIKE LOL!

Read the continued prophecies HERE

Dictated but not written,

Prophet Anonymous.

Crisis averted.

Note: This is going to be my last humorous post for awhile, I want to start writing on serious topics again.
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Greetings, from an underground bunker!

Today is October the 22nd, and I predicted that the evil army of sentient snack foods would attack on the 20th.
Obviously, they did not.
But it was not a false prophecy, rather, YOU defeated the snack foods through the power of donating copious amounts of money to me! thank you very much.

Now let's give ourselves a big pat on the back for saving the world.

(pat)

Pure, unadulterated evil.

But you simply giving the money did not advert this crisis, rather your money encouraged me to physically fight the head of the uprising, an evil, sadistic being known as "Twinkie the Kid."
When I found the "Kid" he was hiding in an underground fallout shelter, guarded by a dozen Twinkie guards. He was just about to send out the order for the snack foods to rebel, But I stepped in and saved the day.
I, acting boldly and heroically, ate him and his guards.

You can thank me latter,

Prophet Anonymous

Ankor

Greetings from 2,000 feet below what was once Ankor Wat!
I have decided that, in the face of the current snackpocolypse, it would be safer to relocate to two thousand feet below a location void of any snack foods what so ever, and the ruins of Ankor Wat  just happened to be the first snack food free location that came to mind.

I would suggest that all of my insane loyal follower do the same, after making their tax deductible donations to my "Save the world from the evil conscious snack foods Campaign" (or SWECSFC, quiet catchy, eh?) remember, we only have ten days left! tell your friends!  and don't forget to destroy all the snack foods at you village snack dispensary.

I look forward to seeing you at Ankor Wat soon,
Prophet Anonymous

Prophet Anonymous warns of the cheese puffs.

Note: In case you haven't read any of my other Prophet Anonymous posts, then entire series of post is a big poke at Pentecostals. __________________________________________________________________________________

Greetings from 2,000 feet below Olympia, it is I, Prophet Anonymous!

Now you may be wondering what I am doing 2,000 feet below Olympia, but I say unto you that it is nothing to worry your devoted little heads about, because though, for the time being, I will not be able to receive checks or money orders, you may still donate money via my Paypal account, and I will still give you a symbolic receipt so that you may cash them in at death....where was I?

Oh yes.

I'm hiding out 2,000 feet below Olympia because cheese puffs are assembling an army of other snack foods to enslave humanity.

Don't panic. 

Settle down.

Let me tell you why this is happening and how you can stop it

I'm on to you.

Prophet Anonymous' prophecies for the week of January the 27th

• American Idol will be canceled.

what, I can dream can't I?

Cross your fingers,
Prophet Anonymous.

Prophet Anonymous' prophesies for 2011 part two (parody)

Behold the continued prophecies of Prophet Anonymous! 
(It should be noted that the following prophecies are unpleasant and 20% less vague then previous prophecies.)

Prophet Anonymous' followers.

• The North Pole will merge with Ethiopia, effectively creating a new continent, on December 21st.
•  You will give Prophet Anonymous 77% of your income, and you will send out the first check right now.
•  Microsoft will quit developing software, and begin to manufacture door knobs, which will be able in Doorknob home ($119), Doorknob Professional ($199.99), Doorknob server ($1,209) and Doorknob ultimate ($319.99.)
•  Aliens will destroy the earth on December 30th, after watching a Kenneth Copeland broad cast for the first time.
• Nationwide will no longer be on your side.
• Prophet Anonymous will be exposed as a false prophet.
• Uzbekistan will annex the United States.
• the United States will be renamed to "Little Uzbekistan."
• the Moon will come down with amnesia on January 31st.
• a Frenchman will invite something called a "Aceiih"  it will be used for dish washing.
• Vampire bats will infect humans with a disease called "Bat flu."  the disease will force people to do the bat-tusi until they die, and it will ultimately be contracted by Adam West.
• It will be discovered that Darwin's theory of evolution is a half truth, as it only applies to folding chairs. 
• Stella Recto will evolve from current folding chairs.
• Penguins will become extinct, as Stella Recto will prey on penguins.
• poor attempts to piggy back of off the success of a past blog post will be made punishable by law.

Prophecies by
Prophet Anonymous.